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  • gill325


Well what an unmitigated disaster Day 4 has been. Told you I'd pay for chilled as can be Day 3.

Firstly, standards slipped regarding acceptable dress code. 50% of the class turned up to morning PE in PJ's which is frankly unacceptable and then the levels of commitment to the bunny hops and planks was pitiful. The only thing executed with any gusto was Andy's squat and clench which put us all off our crunchy nut cornflakes.

By 9:15am I'd been subjected to more tears than a Sinead O'Connor music video and I found myself absent mindedly reaching for the gin. Usually by this time on a horror morning, I've skipped home having dispatched two screechy rugrats into the care of people who are less likely to put them in care before leaving the country. I realised, at around 8:47am, with abject horror, that I'm lumbered. Fully, unavoidably, lumbered. And Andy took the gin off me.

In fact pretty much the only thing that went right today was we remembered to put the bins out on time so I didn't do my usual chasing the bin men down the street in various states of undress and one shoe on.

Somewhere, amidst Joe Wickes lunging forth at us, Isla asked me "why does this guy turn black and then light?" Flummoxed, I stuttered around trying to explain that he does not turn black, if anything he'd be 'mixed race' but then remembered we couldn't say that anymore while she blinked at me in confusion because it turns out she'd actually asked "why does THE SKY turn black and then light". Right. Is it time for gin yet?

A removal company came to a house across the road while we were spending the day outdoors. This was a real treat as it meant I could take a couple of hours off from being a teacher while they taught my children how to say "fucking liberty" and "piss off" which Isla in particular absorbed with astonishing and immediate accuracy.

It took until 2:37pm to convince my most unruly student to put some sodding clothes on. She spent most of the day in sunglasses and PJ's looking like a functioning alcoholic. Even colouring in has become lazy...passing off a few stripes of colour on a flower as a masterpiece because 'stripes are quicker'. Doubt I'll get a promotion at this rate unless my class start bucking their ideas up. I wanted to go for 'Head of Year' but I've no chance if they keep telling me to piss off every time I ask them to put their pants back on. And Barney announcing "I'm going to have a little brain break now" 4 minutes into the first lesson after lunch break isn't going to get me a pay rise either.

The wheels are definitely falling off. There was a massive brawl over ownership of a garden chair when there was an identical garden chair right next to it. Still no gin. There was a tantrum from the littlest pest because she hadn't authorised us to take her pink duvet cover off her bed and put it downstairs. It didn't really matter that it wasn't her duvet it was, in fact, Daddies pink work shirt. The naughty step saw plenty of action.

Oh and I don't get any support from the Government for being Self Employed either on the basis I only have my start up year to qualify with, which is pointless (I was allowed alcohol at this point)

We couldn't even declare an early night for the kids as they'd got wind of the NHS applause at 8pm so we had to let them stay up for that (which was lovely lovely lovely). It's been A. LONG. DAY.

I finally got some flour though because my friends are lovely. Andy's Dad bought some more later too redeeming himself beautifully re the lawnmower thing :-)

Quick question; is selling ones soul tax deductable? Asking for a neighbour...

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